FU*CK! 09/10/2006

         (Written by jom)

Magnum Oedo & X vs. Koryuki & X

    Oedo and Koryuki come to the ring before either of their teammates. Oedo's teammate is set to come out first and... IT'S PARA PARA KUMA-SAN!!! Oedo and Koryuki both fall to their knees in agony of knowing they will now have to try and do the Para Para Kuma-san pre-match dance. They both fail horribly at it. Next, Koryuki's teammate comes out and... IT'S RIKI SENSHU!!! Wait, Riki Senshu is already hanging out by the entrance way in normal clothes, and seems slightly confused. OH FUCK IT'S KORIKI SENSHU!!! Riki Senshu absolutely dies laughing at this. Koriki comes into the ring, poses, walks out of the ring, and then walks backstage. At this point, the camera pans to follow him and shows that just across the hall, there are karate lessons going on. This is FU*CK!.

    The actual match that follows all of this is pretty short. Koryuki and Oedo do some surprisingly solid wrestling before Koryuki gets double-teamed, leading to Koriki Senshu coming back to the ring, only to immediately get hit with a genuinely great missile dropkick from Oedo, getting Oedo and Kuma-san the win.

    I'm so happy I do this blog.

Rating:

Konaka = Pale One & Takasaki Monkichi vs. Shuri Kaira & Nojiri-kun

    Got very excited to watch this simply because I'm a big mark for Konaka, his whole weird bendy demon shit is so entertaining and he's just a genuinely very good professional wrestler underneath the terrifying gimmick. Monkichi is a monkey dude with a red baboon ass. Kaira is kinda just a rookie wrestler I guess, no clue what her deal is but I've heard of her before this and couldn't find any info on her. Nojiri-kun is a random dude in a diaper who walks around like he has no bones in his arms. This match feels deeply cursed just from the people involved.

    The actual action in the ring was alright, definitely higher quality than I expected for this match but still nothing particularly special. Monkichi pretty much entirely did monkey stuff while also just yelling at people like a normal dude, but towards the end he started spamming missed dives that were performed near-perfectly, his attempted swanton was a genuine beauty. Kaira was okay, when she was on defense or trying to grapple it wasn't good at all but she busted out a sweet rana and a great tilt-a-whirl headscissors. Nojiri was absolutely horrible in the ring, but almost in that Tobita way where how stiff and uncoordinated he acted kinda wrapped around to being endearing. He also took a gross DDT and no-sold it for absolutely no reason, as well as traded crawling shoot headbutts with Monkichi, so in my book he's alright. Konaka was, of course, the best wrestler in the match by far, and probably one of the best wrestlers all night. Everything he did was so crisp and polished, and all of his contortionist-type stuff was extremely impressive. At one point he started walking on his fucking knees, before he somehow does this:

    Eventually, the match broke down towards the end, with Kaira getting the win for her team with a nice diving crossbody.

    From the description of the match, you'd think that this was some top tier stuff like the match before it. However, unlike that phenomenal encounter, this match went longer than 5 minutes. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it probably went longer than 15 minutes, which is way too long for a match like this. I still enjoyed it a solid amount, but it sadly wasn't able to reach the Misawa-Kobashi levels of perfection the previous match did.

Rating: B-

Mammoth Handa vs. Shinigami Shuucho

    This was not only the debut of Shinigami Shuucho, but this was also the retirement match of Mammoth Handa. Handa is a FU*CK! legend, being the long-time holder of the FU*CK! U-30 Internatural Title, which was contested under the rules that once you got a pinfall or submission, you had to answer a trivia question correctly. Handa also once lost this title to Mitsuya Nagai at a DDT show, only for the title to be stripped from Nagai immediately after because he was above the age of 30. Shuucho comes out and just starts attacking fans with his tomahawk (his gimmick is some kind of undead Native American chief, which sounds pretty socially unacceptable because it definitely is, but FU*CK has never really been socially acceptable in the first place so I'm not shocked). Handa then comes out wrapped in barbed wire, looking like a no-budget version of the Terminator. Shuucho continues to attack the fans and generally be a menace while Handa makes his entrance.

    It makes me sad to say this, but I'm not sure if this match was good. I don't mean literally good quality wrestling (which was not something I expected from this), I just genuinely think this match was way too long with not enough constant good moments to make it worthwhile. Shuucho was fine, constantly throwing tomahawk chops and doing the stereotypical Native American mouth pat thing, but honestly outside of the times he was hitting Handa with literal tomahawks I was never really interested. Handa meanwhile did next to nothing in terms of offense, outside of no-selling some of Shuucho's offense he pretty much just took a beating the entire time. The only moments from the match I truly think were good were when they left the building and started fighting in a playground across the street, leading to this amazing moment:

    The finish of the match was at least sort of funny, as Shuucho climbed to the top rope and attempted to do a diving tomahawk attack but the tomahawk broke while climbing, leading to Shuucho just hitting Handa over the head with the wooden handle. He then started biting Handa's tummy, leading Handa to pass out, giving Shuucho the win.

    I talked about the last match going long. This one went over 20 minutes. I genuinely considered skipping to the ending at one point because I was so bored. Definitely not a great start to Shuucho's career, nor was it a good end to Handa's. Handa would have a retirement ceremony about a month later where he wrestled a few more people in a gauntlet style match. Luckily Handa would return within months, and eventually would become a genuinely good hoss-type wrestler for Sportiva, who he's still affiliated with to this day. Not at all the career path I was expecting, but good for him.

Rating: C-

Dragon Soldier LAW vs. X

    Dragon Soldier LAW is such a strange character in the world of Japanese wrestling. While he's spent his entire career working for some of the sleaziest of sleaze promotions, he's also been part of some insane matches, such as the time he and Kenny Omega brawled all around Tokyo in a genuinely awesome match. At this point however, he was fresh into wrestling, not even a year into his career. This was part of a trial series for him, and who would come to face him but none other than... KORIKI SENSHU!!! Riki Senshu is barely able to contain his laughter. DSL seemingly talks shit to Koriki immediately, leading to Koriki once again immediately leaving the ring. At this point, "The World" starts playing, AND HERE COMES MOTHERFUCKING KENSHIN! He immediately looks over to good friend Riki Senshu and inquires about the weird man that looks like him that just walked by in the hallway, which leads Riki to nearly fall out of his chair from laughing.

    This was pretty much what you would expect from a rookie facing off against the official Kensuke Sasaki tribute wrestler (not even joking here). KENSHIN absolutely pummels DSL for the entire match, with DSL only getting a limited amount of offense in. KENSHIN just layed into DSL with some hard slams, gross strikes, and particularly nasty lariats. 

    The few times DSL was able to get to fight back, he fought back pretty hard, and the crowd was chanting "ISH!" for every strike he threw. Too bad for him, he was fighting against the tribute act of one of the kings of wrecking rookies, so KENSHIN sold next to nothing. Eventually, KENSHIN locked in a pretty nasty high angle crab, leading to his victory.

    Unlike the last two matches which went way too long, this match only went a little bit too long. DSL was genuinely pretty entertaining during it, with the crowd firmly behind him even if he was the heel and his victory was all but guaranteed to never come. KENSHIN is the official Kensuke Family tribute wrestler for a reason, with all his Kensuke moves being done to near perfection. Overall, a solid match between these two, but nothing too noteworthy.

Rating: C+

Different Style Rules: Kenji Fukimoto vs. Hideaki Sumi

    Two months before this show, Sumi made his debut in FU*CK! by attacking Fukimoto and Takuya Fujiwara, declaring that karate is far superior to professional wrestling. Now, Fukimoto is here to take on Sumi in a DIFFERENT STYLE FIGHT~! and defend the honor of pro wrestling. If you know anything about the very early 90s Japanese wrestling scene, this is probably a storyline that doesn't seem new, since this is pretty much what Masashi Aoyagi did for the first couple years of his career. That's not to say this story is bad though, as I personally think it fucking rules. Fukimoto is out here with Konaka and two guys in J2K shirts (the promotion/dojo that acted as a precursor to FU*CK!), while Sumi comes out with one guys in a shirt for some gym and gi pants.

    The first round is pretty evenly matched overall, with Sumi getting some of combos in and Fukimoto taking back the advantage with some real viciousness, at one point catching a kick and just going to town on Sumi with headbutts. Once the round ends, Fukimoto gets a cheap shot in before returning to his corner. Once the 2nd round begins, Sumi tries to rush in and take the advantage immediately with another violent combination, only for Fukimoto to do this:

    After hitting this absolutely fucked spike capture suplex, Fukimoto is in total control for the rest of the round. He dominates Sumi with some hard stretches and strikes, eventually pushing him outside the ring and laying into him with a chair. Sumi does get some moments of standing on equal ground, especially on the outside of the ring where a real hidden violence from him is starting to appear, but Fukimoto still stays in control. When the round ends, Fukimoto and Sumi both return to his corner. Fukimoto is calm, ready to get into the third round. Sumi... is not. Something in Sumi is telling him that he can't let Fukimoto get away with the chair shots and the cheap shots. Something in Sumi is telling him that Fukimoto is disrespecting karate, and nobody is allowed to disrespect karate. Something in Sumi... snaps.

    Once Fukimoto's cornermen are able to pry Sumi off of him, Fukimoto is absolutely gushing blood. He's dazed and confused, but out of a stubborn refusal to admit defeat, tells the ref to move ahead with the 3rd round. This is a horrible decision. Sumi is relentless with his attack on Fukimoto, absolutely pummeling him from the second the bell rings. This culminates in an absolutely merciless combination from Sumi, which downs Fukimoto.

    Fukimoto is able to get up just before the ref counts 10, but the ref and someone else calls for a momentary pause to the match. They check Fukimoto... and the bell rings. The ref deems Fukimoto unfit to compete, suffering from heavy blood loss and only choosing to continue out of instinct rather than being fit to keep fighting. Sumi and Fukimoto refuse to listen, continuing to fight past the bell ringing. The cornermen get involved and fight too. Sumi talks massive shit about pro wrestling leading one of the J2K guys to rip his shirt off and try to choke out Sumi. Absolute pandemonium from the moment the bell rang to the moment Sumi walks off camera to the back.

    I feel like I say this nearly every review, but this time it is absolutely genuine. I believe this is the best match I've seen so far, and it's definitely a step above the last two matches to make me say that. Both guys went absolutely nuts with the violence in this match, and there was so much pressure the entire time. I felt like at any point the cornermen would just rush in and start a massive brawl. The finish was definitely controversial, and maybe I think a clearer finish would've been better just because the match would've gone longer. But my god, it definitely worked. As far as I know, they never had a rematch, which absolutely fucking sucks because this match was a genuine classic in the Different Style Fight genre. A true spiritual successor to the Heisei Ishingun/Seishin Kaikan wars of the early 90s.

Rating: A

Ultraman Robin vs. Yoshiaki Fujiwara

    After such an insane match, the only way you could follow it up is with a battle between two legends. Fujiwara is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time. Maybe the greatest technical wrestler in history, with some of the greatest headbutts and slaps of all time to boot. One of the best parts of the original two UWFs, as well as tons of early NJPW. In terms of his contributions outside of wrestling, we have him to thank for pretty much all of the original Pancrase and Battlarts guys. Even to this day, he can push out a solid match. Ultraman Robin is decidedly not Yoshiaki Fujiwara, but he does deserve his own set of flowers. A long-standing pillar of the lower Japanese wrestling scene, while also possibly being the innovator of the "monster match", a format used to great success by guys like Ryuma Go and Survival Tobita. While he's definitely had some very poor performances in the past, in his prime he was a genuinely pretty well-rounded technician who could bust out some truly insane maneuvers (I've seen him hit the Scott Steiner backflip slam, genuinely don't understand how he was able to do it either). While he's definitely exiting his prime at this point, he's still more than up to the challenge of meeting Fujiwara.

    ...I say that, but Robin got absolutely dogwalked in this match. Fujiwara spent the entire match just stretching him out hard and laying in some truly brutal strikes (at one point even headbutting Robin so hard that he bust himself open). Just to demonstrate how much of a different level he was on, Fujiwara made it his mission in this match to see how many times he could make Robin tap out before the ref ended the match. How did he do this? Very simply. He, at many points through the match, told the ref to look at the crowd for whatever reason. The second the ref would turn around, Fujiwara would wrench back with full force on whatever hold he had applied to Robin. Robin would immediately tap out, and Fujiwara would only release the pressure of the hold when the ref started to turn back around. I'm not joking, this was some genuine menace type shit. While Robin did get a few moments of reprieve (to which the crowd would absolutely rejoice), Fujiwara made sure Robin was aware of who the better wrestler was at all times.

    Eventually, Robin would finally tap out in front of the ref to a Fujiwara armbar. Fujiwara would seemingly show respect to Robin afterwards for being able to actually hang with him for some of the match, only to let go of the handshake and shoot headbutt him one final time as a parting gift. The camera actually followed Fujiwara to the back, with Konaka following him, and in a rare moment of Konaka breaking character, you can hear him marking out with the cameraman at the fact he was walking next to Fujiwara.

    Overall, this was honestly pretty fun, and a good way to end the show. Robin was never going to win, and turning that into a story like the one told in the match was a really cool way to go about it. It didn't outstay its welcome either, and the few times Robin was able to get in control the match actually maintained my interest entirely. A solid way to conclude this legendary event. Long Live FU*CK!.

Rating: B+