Comprehensive Survival Tobita #3

                   (Written by jom, photo credit to @namjunkzone)

Survival Tobita vs. Jido Senshi Gardan (SPWC 12/23/1999)

    It's two days before Christmas and nine days before Y2K in Saitama, and Tobita is here to bring the gift of another vanquished monster. Tobita's also coming into this match holding SPWC's first ever title belt, the "Saitama Indiscriminate Real Fighting Championship", which is just a paper cutout of the NWA Worlds Heavyweight Championship. His opponent this time around is "Jido Senshi Gardan" (translated as "Automatic Warrior Gardan"), some type of robot or cyborg or android or whatever. In contrast to Tobita's flimsy paper belt, Gardan arrives with weapons of mass destruction, such as a bunch of chains hanging off his neck and shoulders, a police baton in his boot, and a strange claw-like item in his hand. I genuinely don't know how to describe it, but it looks like it would hurt.

    Wouldn't you know it, but Tobita did not come solely bringing the gift of a slain foe; he also brought with him a good match! This is a textbook monster match for Tobita, the type of super fun work you'd see him continue for years and years after this. He gets absolutely brutalized right from the start by his metallic foe, being stabbed almost immediately by that claw thing I mentioned earlier and selling it like absolute death. On the topic of Tobita's selling, god damn man, I've really done him a disservice by not talking about it before. Tobita has always been a shockingly good seller, doing some awesome tumbling and dramatic slow-falls that perfectly fit these types of matches. Plus, any time he needs to get across the power of his otherworldly opponents, he has no qualms about launching himself away at high speeds, usually right onto his head. 

    Gardan is a really interesting foe this time around, as unlike a lot of future monsters who would have one clear and definitive offense to them, he has a grab-bag of pain to utilize. He stabs Tobita with the claw, he smashes the baton over him (embracing Big Boss Man-ism with a fancy little baton twirl), and when all else fails, he resorts to power attacks, slamming his arms into Tobita with tons of force like some sort of cyborg Vader. He seemes almost impervious to anything Tobita could throw at him, even somehow shaking off Tobita hitting the power button on the middle of his forehead. Then Tobita hits a Baba chop, and Gardan is a dead man walking. All it takes is a big lariat (which Tobita whiffs at first but he turns right around and does it again because Tobita NEVER gives up) and an emphatic fire thunder powerbomb for Tobita to add another name to his list of defeated oddities.

    As usual, a fun monster match from Tobita. I think that, in terms of comparing it to the other monster matches he's had, this definitely isn't one of the best, but it's also not one of the worst. Monster matches have a pretty high ground floor for me when it comes to enjoyment, so I'm almost always gonna enjoy my time watching Tobita take on one of his "villain of the week" opponents, and this was no exception.

Rating: B

Survival Tobita vs. Kodo Fuyuki (FMW 04/15/2001)

    How the hell did this happen? A little less than a year and a half after Tobita/Gandan, we're at a packed Korakuen Hall, and Tobita is fighting in the semi-main event against FMW booker and top guy Kodo Fuyuki. FMW may have been in dire straits at this point (with less than a year remaining before their final show), but man, god bless Fuyuki for seeing the vision and bringing in one of the best ever. Tobita is here to give the double thumbs up and OH MY GOD HE'S GOT THE MIC!!! Tobita getting to do the classic microphone appeal in fucking Korakuen Hall for FMW. This is the type of shit I live for. Fuyuki is such a fan of Tobita that he's even had himself handcuffed, as he knows that if he faced Tobita without this handicap, Tobita would unleash too much of his power, resulting in the absolute obliteration of Kodo Fuyuki.

    All joking aside, this was enjoyable for what it was. Tobita is mostly in control for the first minute of the match, eating a few boots from Fuyuki and responding with some lariats, a leg drop, and a DDT. Tobita goes for the fire thunder powerbomb, but GENSHI ENJIN VIRGON makes a run in, attacking Tobita with bolt cutters! He cuts Fuyuki free right after, leading to Fuyuki blasting Tobita with his signature charging lariat for the win (with Virgon seen jumping away in the background).

    There's not much to say about this. Once again, for a match that only went two minutes and had very limited potential due to the nature of it, this was solid. I thought the handcuff gimmick was a fun way to feasibly give Tobita offense in a match against such a higher level opponent, and the Virgon run-in was completely unexpected (I would've never guessed that apeman knew how to use bolt cutters), so all in all, a fine match.

Rating: B-

Survival Tobita vs. Takaku Fuke (FU*CK! 03/28/2010)

    Once again, how the hell did this happen? It's been nine years since Fuyuki's crushing defeat of Tobita in Korakuen Hall, and now we've returned to a venue that fits Tobita much better, that being FU*CK!'s home, the WONDER LAND arena. He's taking on Takaku Fuke, a genuine legend of MMA as one of the founding members of Pancrase. Fuke is mostly remembered for his shootfighting days or his time as a semi-regular in Osaka Pro, but during the late 00s and early 10s, Fuke was all over the sleaziest cards imaginable in Osaka, being a FU*CK! regular while making appearances in promotions like SGP, JWA Kansai, and many more. This match actually has a solid amount of build going into it, as the year prior, Tobita and Fuke got into a fight while teaming together, leading to the match ending in their defeat. At the start of 2010, Fuke defeated Tobita as part of a massive gauntlet match. Now, less than two months later, Tobita is ready to take his revenge on Fuke in an "Irregular UWF Rules" match.

    The magic of this match begins even before the bell rings. The DVD release of this match starts off with more than 30 minutes of Tobita walking around a city in the dead of night, smoking as he goes while imparting great knowledge upon the cameraman and, through him, us. He buys cigarettes from a vending machine (making funny faces at the age verification cameras), smokes while laying down on a bench (flipping the whole bench over while trying to get up), and shadowboxes in front of a chain link fence. It's the type of footage that really makes me wish I knew even a little Japanese, because I imagine the things he and cameraman/FU*CK! owner Shiratori were talking about were hilarious.

    After those 30+ incredible minutes, we arrive at WONDER LAND, and there's a big fight feel in the air. Fuke comes out wearing the ultra-rare silver pants, accidentally jabroni'ing Kenji Fukimoto by going through a different side of the ring than the one where Fukimoto opened the ropes for him. Tobita follows up silver pants Fuke by coming out with a KITCHEN KNIFE, POINTING IT AT FUKE AS A THREAT AGAINST HIS LIFE. He then goes into the bathroom and puts the knife in the toilet water just for added danger. Tobita then... walks back into the backstage area... BEFORE REAPPEARING WITH A FLAMETHROWER AND ATTEMPTING TO INCINERATE THE AUDIENCE, CHASING THEM OUT THE FUCKING BUILDING!!! This, of course, sets off the fire alarm, leading to the FU*CK! staff spending five straight minutes trying to turn it off. Tobita just sits on the top rope the entire time, watching as they try to undo the chaos he caused.

    And then, as god as my witness, Fuke and Tobita do their entrances one more time.

    Fuke comes out and jabronis Fukimoto again (I've got a feeling this time it wasn't an accident). Tobita comes out with the flamethrower already in hand (to which the fans respond by preemptively running for the door), but passes it to one of the FU*CK! staff with a big smug grin. The in-ring announcements are done, and finally, after over an hour of no wrestling, it's time for the match to begin.

    We start off slow, with Fuke and Tobita trying to feel each other out while exchanging some shoteis. Seeing Tobita throw shoteis is such a strange sight but he's putting some real force behind them, and Fuke is responding with similar levels of force with his shoteis and leg kicks. Fuke stays in firm control for this portion of the match, constantly outmatching Tobita on the mat with heel hooks and throwing some of the hardest kicks I've ever seen him throw. Tobita quickly changes tactics though, realizing that this shooting stuff just doesn't work for him, and instead returns to ol' reliable: evil fouling. He pokes the eyes. He grabs at the throat. Any time Fuke tries to lock in a hold or do anything to take advantage, Tobita is quick to rake the face or shoot below the belt to take back control. Tobita really channels some devious influences during this portion (and really for the whole match), throwing some Kurisu-level stomps to Fuke's head while letting loose with a few horrific toe kicks to the face and back. Fuke is able to pull out some great stuff to try and fight back during this, including a beautiful armbar counter to a grounded choke, but again, every single time he gets any footing, Tobita responds with cruel rule-bending, culminating in Fuke locking in a Fujiwara armbar, only for Tobita to escape his grip enough to swing his trapped arm inwards, punching Fuke right in the dick.

    Firmly in control, Tobita finally turns to the plunder, and oh boy, he's got a lot this time around. Immediately, he stabs Fuke in the face with some sort of sharp object, resulting in Fuke bleeding. He wraps cables around Fuke's face and neck to try and choke him out. He takes a real big knife and starts cutting across Fuke's forehead. There's just so much here that he utilizes in an attempt to make Fuke suffer in the most extreme ways possible. The ultimate weapon, however, comes soon after all this. 

    Tobita goes out of the ring and brings in... a children's scooter. He revs it up, and as fast as he can, sends it (and himself) flying into Fuke. I can't begin to explain the emotions I feel watching Survival Tobita crash a scooter into a bloody Takaku Fuke. It's just the kind of thing you could never imagine happening until it does. A truly surreal moment. Tobita follows it up by slamming a whole cooler into Fuke's head because of course he does. 

    Instead of going for a pinfall after all of this, Tobita, in an attempt to truly demoralize Fuke, talks shit about Pancrase and calls Fuke up to give Tobita his best shot. Fuke paintbrushes Tobita across the face with a brutal slap, knocking him down. Now, the one standing on top is Takaku Fuke, covered in blood with a crazed look in his eyes from the disrespect served to him by Tobita. In this moment, Fuke is given the chance to change from the victimized to the victimizer, and he takes that chance and runs with it. He rains down punches to Tobita's face, stomps and chokes him with his foot, and throws vicious kicks straight to the head. Tobita tries to close the distance by grappling Fuke, but Fuke just hoists him up and drops him directly onto his neck with a backdrop driver. And then, Fuke goes to the outside, and he gets the biggest light tube I have ever seen, longer than two normal tubes put together. Fuke smashes that light tube over Tobita's fucking head. In fact, he gets even more super long tubes and just goes to town on Tobita, breaking them over his face over and over and over again. Finally, Tobita, now a bloody mess just like Fuke, tries to get up in a dazed state, only for Fuke to sink in a deep rear naked choke. Fuke looks like a deranged madman, covered in a deep crimson with an evil grin stretching across his face. Tobita tries to survive but it's too much. The referee calls for the bell when Tobita stops responding.

    Fuke, of course, doesn't let go immediately. He spent the 90s fighting legends like Minoru Suzuki, Masakatsu Funaki, and Ken Shamrock. He's a Pancrase original for Christ's sake. And this sleazy camo-wearing indie worker thinks he can get away with what he did in this match? Not a fucking chance. It takes the referee along with another wrestler to physically pry Fuke off of Tobita. Fuke comes to his senses immediately, and, in an act of good faith, helps to revive Tobita from his current unconscious state, before offering a handshake to his adversary. Tobita, remembering that two minutes ago Fuke was attempting to choke him to death, responds how you would probably expect him to:

    We're right back into the heat of battle, with Tobita and Fuke throwing stiff shots at each other, along with Tobita swinging at anything that moves. One of those things that move is Kenji Fukimoto, who comes into the ring in the hopes of calming things down and gets a light bulb smashed into his face for his troubles. Now, Fukimoto is also brawling, throwing closed fists with Tobita and getting so heated that even Fuke has to stop his fighting to try and split Fukimoto and Tobita up. Tobita whips off his shirt and multiple people have to come in and stop them from going any further. 

    As the venue finally quiets, Tobita picks up the mic, and after talking with Shiratori (who's currently handling the main camera), invites Fuke into the ring. They converse for over 20 minutes, both covered in blood and battle scars, before finally, the two bow to each other, showing their respect and putting a true end to this war. Hell, Tobita even goes around shaking hands with the crowd (probably to apologize for the whole attempted incineration thing). Even after all his truly heinous actions in his conflict against Fuke, Tobita is still a hero for the people.

    I don't really know how to look back at this match after watching it.

    From the 30 minute Tobita midnight walk to the insane entrances, from the shoot style opener to the scooter attack, from the bloodthirsty Fuke to the massive post-match brawl. Hell, even considering the 20 minute talk battle Tobita and Fuke had afterwards, ending in both men bowing to each other. This has to have been one of the greatest experiences I have ever had watching pro wrestling. This is the type of tape that really reminds me why I love this sleaze shit so much. Why I've poured so much time, energy, and money into getting as much of it as possible. This is the pro wrestling I love in maybe its ultimate form. There will never be another match quite like Survival Tobita vs. Takaku Fuke.

Rating: A+

FU*CK! 01/14/2007

          (Written by jom)

Shinigami Shuucho vs. JET Shinomura

    Starting us off is a weird spooky demon thing vs. a karateka. Once again, Shiratori shows himself to be the goat booker. The ref enters the ring and Shuucho's theme starts to play, but he doesn't appear from the doorway. Some time passes before the camera pans down and

    Shinomura eventually rushes Shuucho while he's attacking fans and the match begins. The actual match was honestly nothing special for 90% of it. Shuucho did only tomahawk chops (that is, attacking Shinomura with his actual tomahawk) while Shinomura threw alright kicks in response. Eventually they brawl to the outside where I learn this is falls count anywhere, and Shuucho goes to open the garage door of the J2K dojo. The door lifts up and he sees... this.

    I'll be entirely honest here. This might be the first time I have ever truly been taken aback like this. When Koriki Senshu appeared and lost immediately, I was surprised but still able to somewhat see what was going on. When Takaku Fuke disappeared and reappeared as Takaku Pehlwan, I was shocked but could also see how this happened. When a fucking gorilla appeared to beat up Shuucho, leading to Shinomura getting the win, I was absolutely flabbergasted. There is no way to interpret this. There is no way to make sense of this. This is pure, unmitigated chaos.

Rating:

Great Ninja vs. Yoshiaki Iwata

    Great Ninja, contrary to his extremely intriguing name, is just a dude who wears a lotta clothes in this match. I did have a solid amount of hope for his performance as previously I had seen him doing good work with Toby Klein and Mad Man Pondo in one of FU*CK!'s annual tag team tournaments. Yoshiaki Iwata, meanwhile, I had never seen before this match, and based on his street clothes I wasn't expecting much.

    Contrary to my initial predictions, Iwata was definitely the better guy in this match. A lot of his stuff was genuinely pretty crisp, with a very solid dropkick and this awesome running knee:

    Ninja was alright here as well, at one point locking in a nice one-legged bow and arrow stretch (before immediately letting go of it because he couldn't balance Iwata properly on his knee). He also hit a good frog splash to get the win. I truly don't think this was anything worth going out of your way to see, but it also was entirely inoffensive and at least introduced me to Iwata, who I'll hopefully be seeing more of in the future.

Rating: C

Mammoth Handa, Hideki Shioda, & Killer Master vs. Toshiya Iwata, MASADA, & Konaka = Pehlwan

    Such an absolutely stacked six-man tag on paper. Shioda is solid, Master is solid, Konaka is awesome, MASADA (the American one) is usually sweet in his FU*CK! appearances, and Handa is fucking hilarious. The only person I'd never seen before this was Iwata, who based on the last name and the resemblance I assume is the brother of Yoshiaki Iwata from the previous match. But yeah, going into this I was excited to see what happens here.

    Thankfully my expectations were 100% met because this was just the best type of car crash. Awesome crazy stuff throughout with much of it courtesy of MASADA being a total menace. Early on he hit an insane powerbomb to Master onto a bunch of the audience's chairs, and he spent a lot of this match just absolutely destroying Master with moments like this:

    He didn't only destroy Master though, as he also went crazy on Handa with some sick shots with the ladder and another spot that we will get to very soon.

    Everyone else also delivered the goods here. Konaka of course was awesome as usual, just being a weird little fucker throwing Kawada kicks using his heel (I can't really explain it but you'd understand if you saw it) and just spitting on people because of course he did. Shioda and Master also did pretty sweet here, doing some cool juniors stuff like Shioda's strike combo into a nice russian leg sweep and Master's beautifully ugly moonsault press. Iwata, similar to how I had never seen him before this match, was absolutely nowhere to be seen for most of it. His one notable moment was completely missing a shining wizard, so probably not the best first impression possible.

    The best person in this match besides MASADA was Handa. This guy is fucking amazing. I truly believe that at this point, Handa could not have been a trained wrestler, because I refuse to believe any trained wrestler would do the things he did. At one point, MASADA tried to whip him into the ropes, but Handa just... stopped running. It has been long understood that the irish whip, no matter how nonsensical it is, is 100% legitimate in the world of professional wrestling. Handa said "fuck that this shit is fake" and I applaud him for his bravery. MASADA however does not and truly brutalizes him, of course with the ladder shots mentioned previously but also with this, what I believe is maybe the most fucked up fireball I have ever seen:

    The best part? When MASADA went for the cover after this, the ref decided "hey, you guys are too close to the ropes", so he REFUSED to count the pinfall. MASADA pulled Handa to the center of the ring and hit a fucking moonsault (something I had no idea he could even do) to finally get the win. This was just an absolute trainwreck in more ways than one, and I loved every second of it. Also, as I'm writing this, I just realized that MASADA was seemingly trying to go for the cover as Handa's leg was still very much on fire. Truly an all-time moment.

Rating: B+

Different Style Rules: Kenji Fukimoto vs. Hideaki Sumi

    Four months ago, Fukimoto and Sumi had a different style fight and it rocked my fucking world. By the time it reached its conclusion, it had become my favorite match to ever take place in FU*CK! (outside of Mambo/Shioda of course). After Sumi's victory he went on an absolute warpath, beating Takuya Fujiwara, Yoshiaki Iwata, and Yoshihiro Kawaguchi in Different Style Fights. However, the original match to start this war on pro wrestling, no matter how amazing it was, ended on an unfulfilling note with the ref calling the match prematurely due to Fukimoto's blood loss. When a match that heated ends in such a way, there's really only one thing you can do: RUN. IT. BACK. Four months later, here we are.

    Of course, I did have some worries. The previous match they had was phenomenal stuff, and living up to that would be difficult. I was excited but also preparing for potential disappointment. However, when I saw that the match started with this:

    I knew immediately that oh baby, I'm in for a god damn ride. Contrary to the first match they had, Sumi was in total control for this first round. He decimated Fukimoto with some awesome combos, leading Fukimoto to start bleeding within the first minute of the match. He also was a lot more vicious than before, ignoring the ref on multiple occasions just to get more shots in. Fukimoto, for his part, was much calmer and collected than he was four months prior. He didn't rush in to brawl and he didn't use weapons like he did in the past. He kept his distance, trying to measure out any opportunities he could take. While he was totally dominated in the first round because of this strategy, it started to bear fruit in the second one, with him pulling off this awesome counter:

    Fukimoto's grappling onslaught continued on through the second round, with Sumi at first refusing to use rope breaks before eventually being forced to due to Fukimoto's hyperfocus on his arm. The second round ends and Fukimoto refuses to let go of a gross armbar, leading to JET Shinomura (Sumi's second for the match) coming in and kicking the shit out of him before a bunch of FU*CK! regulars rushed the ring to force Shinomura out.

    The third round was really the total bomb-throwing portion of the match though, with Fukimoto and Sumi absolutely worn out and throwing it all out there in an attempt to finally finish this. Sumi hit more of his awesome combos, and Fukimoto hit some great strikes of his own, especially an awesome lariat he hit while the ref was trying to force Sumi off of him. Finally, Fukimoto was able to take the advantage, and, in the ultimate tribute to the Different Style Fights that clearly had major inspiration on this whole rivalry, hit this gnarly Fire Thunder Powerbomb on Sumi:

    Fukimoto then picked Sumi up and hit one final hard brainbuster, leading to Sumi staying down for the 10 count and giving Fukimoto a decisive win over the invading karateka.

    After the match, Fukimoto and Sumi had a silent staredown, and it seemed like Fukimoto was going to go for a handshake. However, Sumi kept his distance, so Fukimoto started to leave. Right before he could walk out though, Sumi called him back over and after a little more hesitation, the two finally shook hands.

    Truly a great match, one that lives up to the expectations set by the original match they had while adding a lot to it. Fukimoto coming in with a new strategy to defeat his karateka rival was awesome, and Sumi's developing evilness was truly amazing. Totally what you would want from these two, and hopefully I'll be able to find more interactions between them in the future.

Rating: A

Dragon Soldier LAW vs. Takaku Fuke

    Once again, FU*CK! follows up an insane Different Style Fight between Fukimoto and Sumi with a FU*CK! regular taking on an unsung MMA legend. This time, Dragon Soldier LAW is here to fight for FU*CK!'s honor, and he's taking on Takaku Fuke, Pancrase pioneer and all-around badass. Before the match, a bunch of clips played of Mammoth Handa, Killer Master, and Hideki Shioda repeatedly ambushing DSL and attempting to cut off pieces of his hair. I'm not really sure what caused these three to be so hell-bent on getting one of DSL's locks, but it certainly was entertaining to watch. DSL also came out here wearing MMA gloves because he's facing Fuke, meaning it's real shooter hours baby.

    In terms of the actual match, it sadly turned out to be nothing special. DSL, while a lot of fun, is kinda meh in the ring, only doing some cool weird flipping headbutts and a nice stunner. Fuke meanwhile was seemingly off his game, hitting some strikes with a lot of weakness and generally seeming to not be entirely sure how he should be wrestling. He did have a couple really awesome moments where he countered DSL into some tight holds, like this one shown below:

    Eventually, DSL tapped out to an armbar from Fuke... for about 25 seconds straight, during which the ref seemingly kept asking "do you actually want to tap out?", before realizing that yes, DSL does want to tap out and at this point Fuke has probably broken DSL's elbow, set it back in place, and then broken it again.

    Overall, this was fine, but sadly didn't live up to be anything more than that. Fuke and DSL seemingly couldn't mesh at all, and it wasn't in a funny way either. After the match, Hideaki Sumi came out and challenged Fuke, and that is a match that I have to see if it actually ended up happening. Fuke leaves and after DSL cuts a show-ending promo, Handa, Master, and Shioda all rush him one last time, getting one more piece of hair for whatever collection they've got going. Once again, Long Live FU*CK!.

Rating: B-

FU*CK! 08/03/2008

          (Written by jom)

Takaku Fuke vs. Kinya Hashimoto

    Such a powerful mindset Tsubasa Shiratori must have to book a show to start with genuine MMA pioneer Takaku Fuke taking on a parody Shinya Hashimoto (complete with black tape on the side of his face to emulate Shinya's famous sideburns). Truly, maybe one of the most fun ways a show could start is a parody of a fake shooter getting dogwalked by a very real shooter. Just to get across how this match was seemingly gonna flow, Fuke not only ignored Kinya's handshake offer, but hit him with one of the hardest side-eyes I've ever seen:

    Of course, this was very much controlled by Fuke, with him absolutely laying into Kinya with some disgusting knees and kicks (at one point throwing a knee so hard at Kinya that it knocked his wig off). Fuke's really one of the more under-appreciated shooters of his era, and a lot of his work on the Kansai sleaze scene really goes to show that he could absolutely destroy anyone in the ring with him. However, Kinya actually got some of his own offense in, and his offense was actually pretty damn good! He threw some sweet kicks and actually had a mean german suplex on him, culminating in the awesome bridging german shown below.

    As expected however, no matter how great Kinya's german suplexes and kicks were, they were no match for Fuke's legitimate ass-kicking cred, and he ended up getting the win shortly after this with a deep fujiwara armbar. I went into this match thinking it would probably not be much to talk about by the end, but I was pleasantly surprised by just how good Kinya did. A really hard-hitting match and a great way to start off the show.

Rating: B

Hideki Shioda vs. Mambo Shintaro

    After the last match, I personally wouldn't wanna be one of the two people that have to follow up such a killer opener. The ones here to do that are Hideki Shioda and Mambo Shintaro. Shioda has been around for a while and has worked in a ton of different places, from BJW to DDT and of course on the Kansai sleaze scene. Shintaro meanwhile is totally an unknown here, I tried to do a little bit of digging into him but found only that he apparently worked as a referee for the most part. He was however on a pretty absurd tape I watched with some friends, where he and Mamoru Tanaka had a "Car Crash Deathmatch" in the middle of an empty parking lot, beating each other up using a Toyota bB until Shiratori started trying to run them both over using the heavily damaged car.

    While the last match surprised me by how high the quality of the wrestling ended up being, nothing could have prepared me for just how bad Shintaro would be. I am not exaggerating when I say that I've never seen someone quite as bad as Shintaro on any FU*CK! shows. This is immediately shown when, after Shioda is sent to the outside early on, Shintaro does this suicide dive:

    After this, both men brawl around the outside of DDT Dojo (where this show is taking place) and some pretty crazy shit happens. Shioda and Shintaro trade slaps while sitting on top of the front gate, Shioda puts Shintaro in two absolutely horrendous boston crabs on the outside that get Shintaro absolutely covered in soot, and Shioda tries to suplex Shintaro only for Shintaro to accidentally DDT himself on the concrete. Eventually they head back in and the match goes into overdrive with Shintaro doing some of the worst parody moves I've ever seen, including some terrible dragon screws, a combination of janky Misawa forearms (I almost forgot to mention that Shintaro came out to Spartan-X which is vital information in my opinion), maybe the worst shining wizard I've ever seen, and finally, the crème de la crème of this string of offense. I present to you... the worst backslide I have ever seen:

    Soon after this, Shioda is finally able to get some offense back in and absolutely cracks the hell outta Shintaro's jaw with a spinning wheel kick, before locking in a Kimura for the victory.

    Now, after reading all of my negativity and seeing just how bad Shintaro was, I'm sure you expect a grade like a D- or even the first ever F on the blog. Well, you would be DEAD. FUCKING. WRONG. You see, when something is this bad, when a piece of wrestling is this horribly done, I honestly think it wraps around into becoming pure art. Of course, if something is bad because of a lack of effort, that is an entirely different story. That wasn't the case here. Shintaro isn't someone who came in and didn't try, so please don't walk away from this thinking that. From everything I can tell, Shintaro was trying his god damn heart out here, and the fans were in love with everything he did, no matter how well he actually did it. By the end of the match, I was in love too. Mambo Shintaro may not be a ring general or a true king of the ring, but if there was ever a man deserving of the title of "People's Champion", it would be him. I stand by my decision and am willing to fight to the death over it, and I'm extremely excited to see any of Shintaro's other work.

Rating: A+

Ultraman Robin & Hideki Shioda vs. Lucha Master Takemaru & Kancho Nagase

    This was actually meant to be a singles match between Robin and Takemaru, but as Robin makes his entrance Nagase jumps him from behind! Takemaru and Nagase put the boots to him but here comes Shioda for the save! After some brawling on the outside all four guys get in the ring and we now have a tag match on our hands.

    Honestly, there isn't much to say about this match in terms of a story or match flow or anything like that. This was just a really well-worked match featuring four guys who have the ability to really go at it in the ring. Nagase's interactions with Shioda and especial Robin were great, with Nagase bringing some fury behind all his strikes and grappling, and Robin was definitely the best at responding to that.

    Takemaru was able to hold his own as well for sure. He was pretty damn athletic compared to everyone else on the show, doing a nice kip-up into arm drag spot and generally showing himself to be a good hand in the ring. Eventually, the match culminated in Robin hitting an awesome avalanche gutwrench suplex/powerslam hybrid move on Takemaru, before hitting him with a crossbody for the win. Again, there wasn't a ton that made this too special or anything, but it was worked well by all involved and never really outstayed its welcome.

Rating: C+

244 vs. Keita Yano

   One of Keita's rare FU*CK! appearances! Honestly, I feel like this is a place that would fit Keita well especially nowadays, but he sadly hasn't worked there a ton. He's facing 244 here, and before the match I do need to share a very important piece of information about 244. From the beginning of the show, he's been sitting at a table with Shiratori, helping out with handling the faulty sound system they're using for the show. He stays there up until it is time for this match, at which point... 244 crouches down and seems to try and hide from the audience, to then appear and make his entrance. Honestly, I deeply respect this attempt and from the get-go was ready to be a fan of his.

    Wouldn't you know it, this match was pretty damn good too. Keita was in full bully mode here, just disrespecting 244 with slaps to the back of the head and grinding his knee into 244's chin while grappling. Keita threw in a lot of little touches to his work like that, and it really gave it so much more life than just doing the holds. 244 was able to hold his own on the mat too, at one point actually getting the better of him (although Keita would quickly reverse it and go back to cruelly beating him down on the mat). It was also around this point that I noticed that future IWGP and AEW world champion Kenny Omega had taken a seat and was now watching this match. Hopefully this is just some long-term storytelling and Omega is currently working out a plan with TK to bring Yano in for a couple matches with the Blackpool Combat Club.

    The grappling eventually gives way to more contemporary wrestling, with 244 and Keita trading some mean strikes, leading into bigger and bigger attacks from both men. This culminated in this pretty sweet little moment from both guys towards the end: 

    Soon after this however, Keita fully took the advantage and tee'd off a hard combo before locking in the always amazing Yurikamone for the win. Overall, the match ended up being pretty damn well-paced and featured some awesome stuff from both guys, especially Keita who got to play the bully heel role so early into his career and did great at it. 

Rating: B

Pre-QA Blue, Pre-QA Yellow, Pre-QA Pink, Pre-QA Green, & Pre-QA Red vs. Ken Ohka, Konaka = Pale One, The Zack, Magnum Oedo, and Kenji Abe

    I'm not even going to try and talk much about this match, because a lot of stuff happened, I was very confused, and honestly I can't be bothered to try and figure it all out. It's currently 12:53 AM and I am too tired to dissect what the hell Pre-QA even is (I think an idol group parody? idk Shoichi Uchida and Takaku Fuke are wearing wigs and dresses and I'm not entirely sure what's going on).

    The most notable part of the match to me is definitely the one, the only, The Zack. He's a parody of Dwayne "The Fortnite Character" Johnson, and my lord is he good at what he does. He pretty much has the Rock stomps down to an artform, doing that weird leg shimmy Rock does before actually stomping and doing it really damn good. The best part of his offense was definitely his People's Elbow though, which I'm just gonna leave below because my god is it awesome.

    The only other notable part in my opinion is the moment that eventually leads to the finish. Konaka grabs Pre-QA Yellow(Takaku Fuke) and drags him into a back room. Both are gone for about 7 or so minutes before the door swings open. Out runs... hold on a second. What the hell? WHAT THE HELL? THAT'S... THAT'S...

    THAT'S TAKAKU = PALE ONE!!! Takaku = Pale One the cleans house with throat thrusts before getting the win for his team with a jumping senton. While the ending was actually pretty funny and all the stuff The Zack did was fun, overall the match was kind of a drag. I definitely don't understand the appeal of the Pre-QA gimmick (I guess dress & wig = funny or something) but ignoring that it was still just a meandering match with not much going for it. Oh well, at least it gave us Takaku = Pale One.

Rating: D+

HARASHIMA vs. Killer Master

    The main event of a very strange and very special show features one of the most strange and special appearances in FU*CK! history. HARASHIMA is, at this point, considered by most to be one of the best wrestlers in Japan, and it's hard to deny that. He's got a ton of talent and even as he's gotten older he's lost very little of it. Here, he's possibly in peak condition, and he's been tasked with taking on FU*CK!'s Killer Master. Unlike the ominous and threatening name, Killer Master just kinda looks like a dude. Nothing too stand-out in terms of gear or attitude, but he does come out to Iron Man by Black Sabbath so that's pretty sweet.

    What we ended up getting from the pairing of these two ended up being a pretty solid main event encounter. Similar to the opener, HARASHIMA was decidedly above Master and wasn't afraid to show it, completely brushing off Master's strikes for a good portion of the first half of the match and really going into him with his own. He also spent a lot of this match putting on an absolute clinic of back targeting, including this nasty bow and arrow stretch:

    That's not to say that Master didn't get any offense in. Far from it, when Master was able to get any amount of control he really took advantage of it to bust out some pretty awesome offense. He did a really nice running shooting star press, hit a gross missile dropkick straight to HARASHIMA's stomach, and even busted out this really good sequence when he was really starting to make his comeback:

    However, the result of the match was always clear, no matter how much of a comeback Master would be able to make. HARASHIMA eventually took back control completely and dumped Master directly onto his head with a gross implant DDT. That wasn't enough for HARASHIMA though, who did the spot of the night by doing pull-ups on a support beam on the roof before hitting a mean double knee drop to Master, leading into an extremely high angle single leg crab that got him the submission victory.

    Honestly, this was probably the perfect match to end the show. While it wasn't as good as Keita vs. 244 or as insane as Mambo vs. Shioda, it was an awesome display by Killer Master and a great powerful force performance by HARASHIMA. After the match, Master got beaten up a little by Shiratori but ended the show together in the ring, thanking everyone for coming out and supporting FU*CK!. A fitting end to a very crazy show.

Rating: B-