FU*CK! 01/14/2007

          (Written by jom)

Shinigami Shuucho vs. JET Shinomura

    Starting us off is a weird spooky demon thing vs. a karateka. Once again, Shiratori shows himself to be the goat booker. The ref enters the ring and Shuucho's theme starts to play, but he doesn't appear from the doorway. Some time passes before the camera pans down and

    Shinomura eventually rushes Shuucho while he's attacking fans and the match begins. The actual match was honestly nothing special for 90% of it. Shuucho did only tomahawk chops (that is, attacking Shinomura with his actual tomahawk) while Shinomura threw alright kicks in response. Eventually they brawl to the outside where I learn this is falls count anywhere, and Shuucho goes to open the garage door of the J2K dojo. The door lifts up and he sees... this.

    I'll be entirely honest here. This might be the first time I have ever truly been taken aback like this. When Koriki Senshu appeared and lost immediately, I was surprised but still able to somewhat see what was going on. When Takaku Fuke disappeared and reappeared as Takaku Pehlwan, I was shocked but could also see how this happened. When a fucking gorilla appeared to beat up Shuucho, leading to Shinomura getting the win, I was absolutely flabbergasted. There is no way to interpret this. There is no way to make sense of this. This is pure, unmitigated chaos.

Rating:

Great Ninja vs. Yoshiaki Iwata

    Great Ninja, contrary to his extremely intriguing name, is just a dude who wears a lotta clothes in this match. I did have a solid amount of hope for his performance as previously I had seen him doing good work with Toby Klein and Mad Man Pondo in one of FU*CK!'s annual tag team tournaments. Yoshiaki Iwata, meanwhile, I had never seen before this match, and based on his street clothes I wasn't expecting much.

    Contrary to my initial predictions, Iwata was definitely the better guy in this match. A lot of his stuff was genuinely pretty crisp, with a very solid dropkick and this awesome running knee:

    Ninja was alright here as well, at one point locking in a nice one-legged bow and arrow stretch (before immediately letting go of it because he couldn't balance Iwata properly on his knee). He also hit a good frog splash to get the win. I truly don't think this was anything worth going out of your way to see, but it also was entirely inoffensive and at least introduced me to Iwata, who I'll hopefully be seeing more of in the future.

Rating: C

Mammoth Handa, Hideki Shioda, & Killer Master vs. Toshiya Iwata, MASADA, & Konaka = Pehlwan

    Such an absolutely stacked six-man tag on paper. Shioda is solid, Master is solid, Konaka is awesome, MASADA (the American one) is usually sweet in his FU*CK! appearances, and Handa is fucking hilarious. The only person I'd never seen before this was Iwata, who based on the last name and the resemblance I assume is the brother of Yoshiaki Iwata from the previous match. But yeah, going into this I was excited to see what happens here.

    Thankfully my expectations were 100% met because this was just the best type of car crash. Awesome crazy stuff throughout with much of it courtesy of MASADA being a total menace. Early on he hit an insane powerbomb to Master onto a bunch of the audience's chairs, and he spent a lot of this match just absolutely destroying Master with moments like this:

    He didn't only destroy Master though, as he also went crazy on Handa with some sick shots with the ladder and another spot that we will get to very soon.

    Everyone else also delivered the goods here. Konaka of course was awesome as usual, just being a weird little fucker throwing Kawada kicks using his heel (I can't really explain it but you'd understand if you saw it) and just spitting on people because of course he did. Shioda and Master also did pretty sweet here, doing some cool juniors stuff like Shioda's strike combo into a nice russian leg sweep and Master's beautifully ugly moonsault press. Iwata, similar to how I had never seen him before this match, was absolutely nowhere to be seen for most of it. His one notable moment was completely missing a shining wizard, so probably not the best first impression possible.

    The best person in this match besides MASADA was Handa. This guy is fucking amazing. I truly believe that at this point, Handa could not have been a trained wrestler, because I refuse to believe any trained wrestler would do the things he did. At one point, MASADA tried to whip him into the ropes, but Handa just... stopped running. It has been long understood that the irish whip, no matter how nonsensical it is, is 100% legitimate in the world of professional wrestling. Handa said "fuck that this shit is fake" and I applaud him for his bravery. MASADA however does not and truly brutalizes him, of course with the ladder shots mentioned previously but also with this, what I believe is maybe the most fucked up fireball I have ever seen:

    The best part? When MASADA went for the cover after this, the ref decided "hey, you guys are too close to the ropes", so he REFUSED to count the pinfall. MASADA pulled Handa to the center of the ring and hit a fucking moonsault (something I had no idea he could even do) to finally get the win. This was just an absolute trainwreck in more ways than one, and I loved every second of it. Also, as I'm writing this, I just realized that MASADA was seemingly trying to go for the cover as Handa's leg was still very much on fire. Truly an all-time moment.

Rating: B+

Different Style Rules: Kenji Fukimoto vs. Hideaki Sumi

    Four months ago, Fukimoto and Sumi had a different style fight and it rocked my fucking world. By the time it reached its conclusion, it had become my favorite match to ever take place in FU*CK! (outside of Mambo/Shioda of course). After Sumi's victory he went on an absolute warpath, beating Takuya Fujiwara, Yoshiaki Iwata, and Yoshihiro Kawaguchi in Different Style Fights. However, the original match to start this war on pro wrestling, no matter how amazing it was, ended on an unfulfilling note with the ref calling the match prematurely due to Fukimoto's blood loss. When a match that heated ends in such a way, there's really only one thing you can do: RUN. IT. BACK. Four months later, here we are.

    Of course, I did have some worries. The previous match they had was phenomenal stuff, and living up to that would be difficult. I was excited but also preparing for potential disappointment. However, when I saw that the match started with this:

    I knew immediately that oh baby, I'm in for a god damn ride. Contrary to the first match they had, Sumi was in total control for this first round. He decimated Fukimoto with some awesome combos, leading Fukimoto to start bleeding within the first minute of the match. He also was a lot more vicious than before, ignoring the ref on multiple occasions just to get more shots in. Fukimoto, for his part, was much calmer and collected than he was four months prior. He didn't rush in to brawl and he didn't use weapons like he did in the past. He kept his distance, trying to measure out any opportunities he could take. While he was totally dominated in the first round because of this strategy, it started to bear fruit in the second one, with him pulling off this awesome counter:

    Fukimoto's grappling onslaught continued on through the second round, with Sumi at first refusing to use rope breaks before eventually being forced to due to Fukimoto's hyperfocus on his arm. The second round ends and Fukimoto refuses to let go of a gross armbar, leading to JET Shinomura (Sumi's second for the match) coming in and kicking the shit out of him before a bunch of FU*CK! regulars rushed the ring to force Shinomura out.

    The third round was really the total bomb-throwing portion of the match though, with Fukimoto and Sumi absolutely worn out and throwing it all out there in an attempt to finally finish this. Sumi hit more of his awesome combos, and Fukimoto hit some great strikes of his own, especially an awesome lariat he hit while the ref was trying to force Sumi off of him. Finally, Fukimoto was able to take the advantage, and, in the ultimate tribute to the Different Style Fights that clearly had major inspiration on this whole rivalry, hit this gnarly Fire Thunder Powerbomb on Sumi:

    Fukimoto then picked Sumi up and hit one final hard brainbuster, leading to Sumi staying down for the 10 count and giving Fukimoto a decisive win over the invading karateka.

    After the match, Fukimoto and Sumi had a silent staredown, and it seemed like Fukimoto was going to go for a handshake. However, Sumi kept his distance, so Fukimoto started to leave. Right before he could walk out though, Sumi called him back over and after a little more hesitation, the two finally shook hands.

    Truly a great match, one that lives up to the expectations set by the original match they had while adding a lot to it. Fukimoto coming in with a new strategy to defeat his karateka rival was awesome, and Sumi's developing evilness was truly amazing. Totally what you would want from these two, and hopefully I'll be able to find more interactions between them in the future.

Rating: A

Dragon Soldier LAW vs. Takaku Fuke

    Once again, FU*CK! follows up an insane Different Style Fight between Fukimoto and Sumi with a FU*CK! regular taking on an unsung MMA legend. This time, Dragon Soldier LAW is here to fight for FU*CK!'s honor, and he's taking on Takaku Fuke, Pancrase pioneer and all-around badass. Before the match, a bunch of clips played of Mammoth Handa, Killer Master, and Hideki Shioda repeatedly ambushing DSL and attempting to cut off pieces of his hair. I'm not really sure what caused these three to be so hell-bent on getting one of DSL's locks, but it certainly was entertaining to watch. DSL also came out here wearing MMA gloves because he's facing Fuke, meaning it's real shooter hours baby.

    In terms of the actual match, it sadly turned out to be nothing special. DSL, while a lot of fun, is kinda meh in the ring, only doing some cool weird flipping headbutts and a nice stunner. Fuke meanwhile was seemingly off his game, hitting some strikes with a lot of weakness and generally seeming to not be entirely sure how he should be wrestling. He did have a couple really awesome moments where he countered DSL into some tight holds, like this one shown below:

    Eventually, DSL tapped out to an armbar from Fuke... for about 25 seconds straight, during which the ref seemingly kept asking "do you actually want to tap out?", before realizing that yes, DSL does want to tap out and at this point Fuke has probably broken DSL's elbow, set it back in place, and then broken it again.

    Overall, this was fine, but sadly didn't live up to be anything more than that. Fuke and DSL seemingly couldn't mesh at all, and it wasn't in a funny way either. After the match, Hideaki Sumi came out and challenged Fuke, and that is a match that I have to see if it actually ended up happening. Fuke leaves and after DSL cuts a show-ending promo, Handa, Master, and Shioda all rush him one last time, getting one more piece of hair for whatever collection they've got going. Once again, Long Live FU*CK!.

Rating: B-

FU*CK! 09/10/2006

         (Written by jom)

Magnum Oedo & X vs. Koryuki & X

    Oedo and Koryuki come to the ring before either of their teammates. Oedo's teammate is set to come out first and... IT'S PARA PARA KUMA-SAN!!! Oedo and Koryuki both fall to their knees in agony of knowing they will now have to try and do the Para Para Kuma-san pre-match dance. They both fail horribly at it. Next, Koryuki's teammate comes out and... IT'S RIKI SENSHU!!! Wait, Riki Senshu is already hanging out by the entrance way in normal clothes, and seems slightly confused. OH FUCK IT'S KORIKI SENSHU!!! Riki Senshu absolutely dies laughing at this. Koriki comes into the ring, poses, walks out of the ring, and then walks backstage. At this point, the camera pans to follow him and shows that just across the hall, there are karate lessons going on. This is FU*CK!.

    The actual match that follows all of this is pretty short. Koryuki and Oedo do some surprisingly solid wrestling before Koryuki gets double-teamed, leading to Koriki Senshu coming back to the ring, only to immediately get hit with a genuinely great missile dropkick from Oedo, getting Oedo and Kuma-san the win.

    I'm so happy I do this blog.

Rating:

Konaka = Pale One & Takasaki Monkichi vs. Shuri Kaira & Nojiri-kun

    Got very excited to watch this simply because I'm a big mark for Konaka, his whole weird bendy demon shit is so entertaining and he's just a genuinely very good professional wrestler underneath the terrifying gimmick. Monkichi is a monkey dude with a red baboon ass. Kaira is kinda just a rookie wrestler I guess, no clue what her deal is but I've heard of her before this and couldn't find any info on her. Nojiri-kun is a random dude in a diaper who walks around like he has no bones in his arms. This match feels deeply cursed just from the people involved.

    The actual action in the ring was alright, definitely higher quality than I expected for this match but still nothing particularly special. Monkichi pretty much entirely did monkey stuff while also just yelling at people like a normal dude, but towards the end he started spamming missed dives that were performed near-perfectly, his attempted swanton was a genuine beauty. Kaira was okay, when she was on defense or trying to grapple it wasn't good at all but she busted out a sweet rana and a great tilt-a-whirl headscissors. Nojiri was absolutely horrible in the ring, but almost in that Tobita way where how stiff and uncoordinated he acted kinda wrapped around to being endearing. He also took a gross DDT and no-sold it for absolutely no reason, as well as traded crawling shoot headbutts with Monkichi, so in my book he's alright. Konaka was, of course, the best wrestler in the match by far, and probably one of the best wrestlers all night. Everything he did was so crisp and polished, and all of his contortionist-type stuff was extremely impressive. At one point he started walking on his fucking knees, before he somehow does this:

    Eventually, the match broke down towards the end, with Kaira getting the win for her team with a nice diving crossbody.

    From the description of the match, you'd think that this was some top tier stuff like the match before it. However, unlike that phenomenal encounter, this match went longer than 5 minutes. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it probably went longer than 15 minutes, which is way too long for a match like this. I still enjoyed it a solid amount, but it sadly wasn't able to reach the Misawa-Kobashi levels of perfection the previous match did.

Rating: B-

Mammoth Handa vs. Shinigami Shuucho

    This was not only the debut of Shinigami Shuucho, but this was also the retirement match of Mammoth Handa. Handa is a FU*CK! legend, being the long-time holder of the FU*CK! U-30 Internatural Title, which was contested under the rules that once you got a pinfall or submission, you had to answer a trivia question correctly. Handa also once lost this title to Mitsuya Nagai at a DDT show, only for the title to be stripped from Nagai immediately after because he was above the age of 30. Shuucho comes out and just starts attacking fans with his tomahawk (his gimmick is some kind of undead Native American chief, which sounds pretty socially unacceptable because it definitely is, but FU*CK has never really been socially acceptable in the first place so I'm not shocked). Handa then comes out wrapped in barbed wire, looking like a no-budget version of the Terminator. Shuucho continues to attack the fans and generally be a menace while Handa makes his entrance.

    It makes me sad to say this, but I'm not sure if this match was good. I don't mean literally good quality wrestling (which was not something I expected from this), I just genuinely think this match was way too long with not enough constant good moments to make it worthwhile. Shuucho was fine, constantly throwing tomahawk chops and doing the stereotypical Native American mouth pat thing, but honestly outside of the times he was hitting Handa with literal tomahawks I was never really interested. Handa meanwhile did next to nothing in terms of offense, outside of no-selling some of Shuucho's offense he pretty much just took a beating the entire time. The only moments from the match I truly think were good were when they left the building and started fighting in a playground across the street, leading to this amazing moment:

    The finish of the match was at least sort of funny, as Shuucho climbed to the top rope and attempted to do a diving tomahawk attack but the tomahawk broke while climbing, leading to Shuucho just hitting Handa over the head with the wooden handle. He then started biting Handa's tummy, leading Handa to pass out, giving Shuucho the win.

    I talked about the last match going long. This one went over 20 minutes. I genuinely considered skipping to the ending at one point because I was so bored. Definitely not a great start to Shuucho's career, nor was it a good end to Handa's. Handa would have a retirement ceremony about a month later where he wrestled a few more people in a gauntlet style match. Luckily Handa would return within months, and eventually would become a genuinely good hoss-type wrestler for Sportiva, who he's still affiliated with to this day. Not at all the career path I was expecting, but good for him.

Rating: C-

Dragon Soldier LAW vs. X

    Dragon Soldier LAW is such a strange character in the world of Japanese wrestling. While he's spent his entire career working for some of the sleaziest of sleaze promotions, he's also been part of some insane matches, such as the time he and Kenny Omega brawled all around Tokyo in a genuinely awesome match. At this point however, he was fresh into wrestling, not even a year into his career. This was part of a trial series for him, and who would come to face him but none other than... KORIKI SENSHU!!! Riki Senshu is barely able to contain his laughter. DSL seemingly talks shit to Koriki immediately, leading to Koriki once again immediately leaving the ring. At this point, "The World" starts playing, AND HERE COMES MOTHERFUCKING KENSHIN! He immediately looks over to good friend Riki Senshu and inquires about the weird man that looks like him that just walked by in the hallway, which leads Riki to nearly fall out of his chair from laughing.

    This was pretty much what you would expect from a rookie facing off against the official Kensuke Sasaki tribute wrestler (not even joking here). KENSHIN absolutely pummels DSL for the entire match, with DSL only getting a limited amount of offense in. KENSHIN just layed into DSL with some hard slams, gross strikes, and particularly nasty lariats. 

    The few times DSL was able to get to fight back, he fought back pretty hard, and the crowd was chanting "ISH!" for every strike he threw. Too bad for him, he was fighting against the tribute act of one of the kings of wrecking rookies, so KENSHIN sold next to nothing. Eventually, KENSHIN locked in a pretty nasty high angle crab, leading to his victory.

    Unlike the last two matches which went way too long, this match only went a little bit too long. DSL was genuinely pretty entertaining during it, with the crowd firmly behind him even if he was the heel and his victory was all but guaranteed to never come. KENSHIN is the official Kensuke Family tribute wrestler for a reason, with all his Kensuke moves being done to near perfection. Overall, a solid match between these two, but nothing too noteworthy.

Rating: C+

Different Style Rules: Kenji Fukimoto vs. Hideaki Sumi

    Two months before this show, Sumi made his debut in FU*CK! by attacking Fukimoto and Takuya Fujiwara, declaring that karate is far superior to professional wrestling. Now, Fukimoto is here to take on Sumi in a DIFFERENT STYLE FIGHT~! and defend the honor of pro wrestling. If you know anything about the very early 90s Japanese wrestling scene, this is probably a storyline that doesn't seem new, since this is pretty much what Masashi Aoyagi did for the first couple years of his career. That's not to say this story is bad though, as I personally think it fucking rules. Fukimoto is out here with Konaka and two guys in J2K shirts (the promotion/dojo that acted as a precursor to FU*CK!), while Sumi comes out with one guys in a shirt for some gym and gi pants.

    The first round is pretty evenly matched overall, with Sumi getting some of combos in and Fukimoto taking back the advantage with some real viciousness, at one point catching a kick and just going to town on Sumi with headbutts. Once the round ends, Fukimoto gets a cheap shot in before returning to his corner. Once the 2nd round begins, Sumi tries to rush in and take the advantage immediately with another violent combination, only for Fukimoto to do this:

    After hitting this absolutely fucked spike capture suplex, Fukimoto is in total control for the rest of the round. He dominates Sumi with some hard stretches and strikes, eventually pushing him outside the ring and laying into him with a chair. Sumi does get some moments of standing on equal ground, especially on the outside of the ring where a real hidden violence from him is starting to appear, but Fukimoto still stays in control. When the round ends, Fukimoto and Sumi both return to his corner. Fukimoto is calm, ready to get into the third round. Sumi... is not. Something in Sumi is telling him that he can't let Fukimoto get away with the chair shots and the cheap shots. Something in Sumi is telling him that Fukimoto is disrespecting karate, and nobody is allowed to disrespect karate. Something in Sumi... snaps.

    Once Fukimoto's cornermen are able to pry Sumi off of him, Fukimoto is absolutely gushing blood. He's dazed and confused, but out of a stubborn refusal to admit defeat, tells the ref to move ahead with the 3rd round. This is a horrible decision. Sumi is relentless with his attack on Fukimoto, absolutely pummeling him from the second the bell rings. This culminates in an absolutely merciless combination from Sumi, which downs Fukimoto.

    Fukimoto is able to get up just before the ref counts 10, but the ref and someone else calls for a momentary pause to the match. They check Fukimoto... and the bell rings. The ref deems Fukimoto unfit to compete, suffering from heavy blood loss and only choosing to continue out of instinct rather than being fit to keep fighting. Sumi and Fukimoto refuse to listen, continuing to fight past the bell ringing. The cornermen get involved and fight too. Sumi talks massive shit about pro wrestling leading one of the J2K guys to rip his shirt off and try to choke out Sumi. Absolute pandemonium from the moment the bell rang to the moment Sumi walks off camera to the back.

    I feel like I say this nearly every review, but this time it is absolutely genuine. I believe this is the best match I've seen so far, and it's definitely a step above the last two matches to make me say that. Both guys went absolutely nuts with the violence in this match, and there was so much pressure the entire time. I felt like at any point the cornermen would just rush in and start a massive brawl. The finish was definitely controversial, and maybe I think a clearer finish would've been better just because the match would've gone longer. But my god, it definitely worked. As far as I know, they never had a rematch, which absolutely fucking sucks because this match was a genuine classic in the Different Style Fight genre. A true spiritual successor to the Heisei Ishingun/Seishin Kaikan wars of the early 90s.

Rating: A

Ultraman Robin vs. Yoshiaki Fujiwara

    After such an insane match, the only way you could follow it up is with a battle between two legends. Fujiwara is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time. Maybe the greatest technical wrestler in history, with some of the greatest headbutts and slaps of all time to boot. One of the best parts of the original two UWFs, as well as tons of early NJPW. In terms of his contributions outside of wrestling, we have him to thank for pretty much all of the original Pancrase and Battlarts guys. Even to this day, he can push out a solid match. Ultraman Robin is decidedly not Yoshiaki Fujiwara, but he does deserve his own set of flowers. A long-standing pillar of the lower Japanese wrestling scene, while also possibly being the innovator of the "monster match", a format used to great success by guys like Ryuma Go and Survival Tobita. While he's definitely had some very poor performances in the past, in his prime he was a genuinely pretty well-rounded technician who could bust out some truly insane maneuvers (I've seen him hit the Scott Steiner backflip slam, genuinely don't understand how he was able to do it either). While he's definitely exiting his prime at this point, he's still more than up to the challenge of meeting Fujiwara.

    ...I say that, but Robin got absolutely dogwalked in this match. Fujiwara spent the entire match just stretching him out hard and laying in some truly brutal strikes (at one point even headbutting Robin so hard that he bust himself open). Just to demonstrate how much of a different level he was on, Fujiwara made it his mission in this match to see how many times he could make Robin tap out before the ref ended the match. How did he do this? Very simply. He, at many points through the match, told the ref to look at the crowd for whatever reason. The second the ref would turn around, Fujiwara would wrench back with full force on whatever hold he had applied to Robin. Robin would immediately tap out, and Fujiwara would only release the pressure of the hold when the ref started to turn back around. I'm not joking, this was some genuine menace type shit. While Robin did get a few moments of reprieve (to which the crowd would absolutely rejoice), Fujiwara made sure Robin was aware of who the better wrestler was at all times.

    Eventually, Robin would finally tap out in front of the ref to a Fujiwara armbar. Fujiwara would seemingly show respect to Robin afterwards for being able to actually hang with him for some of the match, only to let go of the handshake and shoot headbutt him one final time as a parting gift. The camera actually followed Fujiwara to the back, with Konaka following him, and in a rare moment of Konaka breaking character, you can hear him marking out with the cameraman at the fact he was walking next to Fujiwara.

    Overall, this was honestly pretty fun, and a good way to end the show. Robin was never going to win, and turning that into a story like the one told in the match was a really cool way to go about it. It didn't outstay its welcome either, and the few times Robin was able to get in control the match actually maintained my interest entirely. A solid way to conclude this legendary event. Long Live FU*CK!.

Rating: B+