Monday, March 8, 2021

Monday Night RAW #3

   (Written by Jom)

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to MONDAY... NIGHT... RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

       I know that at this point it's Tuesday, don't you dare say a word. Also, this'll only be two matches because my time management is absolutely shit and I need to sleep so I don't miss class. You live and you learn (YOU CRASH AND YOU BURN).

    DK looks like what I assume is every generic Kusa wrestler, coming out with a t-shirt and venum mma shorts. His opponent is announced as "X", and out walks The Bosconian. I cannot describe the feelings I felt upon first viewing of this man. Baby blue jumpsuit. Atlantis mask. Snazzy 80s jazz. Immediately kicked the "ropes", breaking them and forcing the nearby guys to rush to fix it. I'm not sure if I feel intense love or intense hatred for him, but my feelings are definitely intense. Honestly, my feelings are more intense than the match was, for all three minutes of it. The starting grappling is pretty solid with fucking Bosconian being actually really good, before strikes start going out. DK wins with his chest chops after pulling down the jumpsuit and slapping the t-shirt underneath with the might of Zeus. DK then said "fuck it" I guess cause he did a terrible leg drop that missed entirely, landing ass first on Bosconian's nose which probably hurt like a motherfucker. DK does a kinda shitty three amigos and then a pretty good running knee, but then tries to pin Bosc (my new nickname for him) while Bosc is pretty much laying on top of the ropes. DK then decides to put in a pretty cool straight jacket crossface, but of course once again Bosc's leg is laying over the ropes. The ref goes to stop the hold but Bosc actually moves his leg outta the ropes, which immediately made me think "wait is this the finish?". I was actually right here, which made the fact the rope break didn't happen even more shitty. This was so notable even the announcer got in on it, mentioning that DK won while a rope break was happening. DK seems like he genuinely doesn't care about this too, almost confused as to why people wanted to mention that. When the announcer asked how he felt about winning that way, DK said "Judo Clutch" and then bumrushed Bosc, resulting in a small brawl between him and a couple other wrestlers nearby, where fucking SG Wonder randomly did his German slam to someone else. Why? I don't know but it was really funny. Bosc walks out while complaining to the ref that he got his shoulder up before the three count, which honestly I thought was hilarious. This should've been terrible because DK is just not that great and Bosc did not give me high hopes. However, since this entire thing is only 8 minutes, it ended up being a nothing match combined with some genuinely funny shenanigans.

Rating: I just hope Bosc comes back.

YAMATO vs. Kaijin Yanmani (part two)

    OH YEAH BOYS, YANMANI IS BACK. This time he's wearing some mask along with the morph suit so I guess that in between this and the SG Wonder match he was unmasked. YAMATO looks like a genuine wrestler with a similar attire to most other juniors guys in 2007, although he doesn't seem to be the YAMATO from Dragon Gate, nor does he look like the YAMATO that works on the indies. This means that now I know of at least three different YAMATOs in the puro scene, so I guess that's a popular name. YAMATO is real slick with the grappling to start out, but Yanmani just shoves him and starts to choke him with something he grabbed off camera. It took me a good minute to realize holy shit, that's a Wii Nunchuk. Immediately after realizing that Yanmani whips out the actual Wii controller and just chucks it at YAMATO's chest which fucking hurt. After grabbing one more object and hitting YAMATO with it a couple times, YAMATO is able to grab it and throws it down before ELBOW DROPPING IT, AND YANMANI JUMPS ON TOP OF IT A LA KOBASHI TO MISAWA FROM 09/06/95. YAMATO GRABS IT FROM UNDER HIM AND THROWS IT AWAY, AND YANMANI STARTS FUCKING STIFFING HIM. I'm sorry for the overuse of caps lock there, but holy hell that was so fucking fun. They trades some slaps before YAMATO hits a genuinely great suplex, and follows that up with some nice leg targeting. YAMATO pulls off Yanmani's mask but Yanmani has another one under it, so he just puts the removed mask on YAMATO and hits a reverse jawbreaker which looked nasty. He then hits YAMATO with a reverse DDT, and holy shit YAMATO sold it so great. YAMATO is able to get the advantage back and puts Yanmani on his shoulder, and then starts yelling across the room for people to move. He runs ACROSS THE ROOM to do an Oklahoma stampede into the wall. Yanmani is able to reverse a second one to push YAMATO into the wall, then grabs a chair and sets it up, then puts YAMATO in the chair, and then finally runs at him and lariats him out of his shoe-MOTHERFUCKER YAMATO IS WEARING SHOES, WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS. YAMATO, that shoe-wearing freak, kicks out at 2, so Yanmani sets everything back up to do it again. This time however, YAMATO jumps up onto the chair from the seated position and does a front dropkick to Yanmani as he runs towards him. This is very close to the start of the 2nd part of this match, so go watch this even if you don't wanna watch the match, it was genuinely awesome. YAMATO picks up Yanmani and takes him over to a table, putting him on it and throwing him off with a deadly drive for a two. YAMATO goes back to leg targeting but this time uses the chair, culminating in a figure four with the chair wrapped around their legs. Yanmani eventually escapes from it and, upon seeing the chair laying on YAMATO's face, simply stomps it really hard. Absolutely nasty. Yanmani goes back to his backpack of stuff, pulling out what I think are trading cards before hitting a huge thunder fire powerbomb onto them. YAMATO kicks out of the pinfall after that, so Yanmani picks him up and hits a SPIRAL STYLES CLASH? I've never seen that before, and honestly? I kinda dig it. YAMATO is able to take back control and hits this great combination attack, grabbing Yanmani in a waistlock and slamming him face first into the cards before deadlifting him into a beauty of a German suplex for a close 2. YAMATO then decides he really just needs to be my new favorite Kusa wrestling guy, so he pulls Yanmani close to one of the walls and sets up a chair next to him. He then backs up, runs and jumps off the chair Sabu style, RUNS AND JUMPS OFF THE WALL, AND HITS A TENRYU ELBOW TO YANMANI. YAMATO isn't done though, he immediately picks up Yanmani and hits this awesome suplex gutbuster and locks in a reverse figure four before rolling over and doing a back bridge for a surprise roll-up, but Yanmani is able to escape the pin by raking YAMATO's eyes from under him. Yanmani takes YAMATO over to that table YAMATO used before, hitting a suplex off of it for a two count. Yanmani, the inventive bastard, realizes no simple pin will defeat YAMATO, so he sets up the chair one last time, before putting YAMATO's body under it in a way that still lets Yanmani grab and hook his legs while sitting in the chair, an absolutely awesome pinning combo that gets him the victory. This match was just fucking awesome man. It was hectic, it was inventive, it felt not only like a great 00s puro match but it also felt like it exemplified what makes Kusa wrestling so cool. The Tenryu elbow with the Sabu chair jump was one of the coolest things I've seen in wrestling in a little bit. If I was going by my usual grading set-up, this would be an A-, a grade I never thought I'd give a Kusa match. However, my rating below really tells you how I feel about it.

Rating: Holy shit this match. Please just watch it. I beg you.


No comments:

Post a Comment